A NewlyCorporate.com Call For Help - AICS
With the initial success of our relatively new blog, we’d like to take the time out to enlist the help of our fellow readers in combating a serious issue affecting many Newly Corporates in the working environment. We’re counting on your help to do all you can to eliminate this serious affliction which is highly bothersome to more established workers such as ourselves.
The affliction, while still being studied in more detail, is called A.I.C.S. (pronounced ‘aches’) and stands for ‘Ass in Chair Syndrome’. The acute symptoms for this disease are as follows:
- Tension
- Nervousness
- Apprehension
- Paranoia
Other symptoms include:
- Fanatical belief that time in chair equates to job performance and output
- Reduced productivity so that work remains available to increase ‘ass in chair’ time
- Acute nervousness that vacating the chair before later in the evening will lead to loss of standing in the eyes of peers and management
- Desire to be the first ass in chair in the office and the last ass or one of the last asses to leave the chair at the end of the day
- For co-ops or interns, belief that there is a direct correlation between excessive ass in chair hours and likeliness to be hired
Only when the symptoms of this are recognized can treatment begin. If you notice someone with this illness, the following 5 step program should be undertaken
1) Invite the infected out for a drink on a Friday. They will resist but your must be persistent and tear them away from whatever item they are pretending to be working on.
2) Review the hours spent in chair with the afflicted. Mention to them the fact that a 45-50 hour work week is quite sufficient and that you are concerned with the hours they are working. They will feign a love for work but this is definitely a ruse.
3) Threaten. Mention that they are clearly working too much and offer to reduce their workload by speaking with their manager to get their workload reduced to a reasonable level. The AICS sufferer will definitely be horrified that you intend to speak to their manager. When they protest that they have a normal workload, act surprised that it is taking them so long to accomplish their activities. This will further upset them as you are directly confronting them over their apparent lack of productivity.
4) Reassure. Step three will certainly throw them off the deep-end as they will be concerned that they are being perceived as non-productive workers. Reassure them that they are good workers (if they truly are) and challenge them to accomplish the same work by being more productive during the week with less concern about spending long hours at the office.
5) Repeat as necessary until cured. The working the two levers at your disposal:
a) They must have too much work if they are working so much. By reducing the workload the AICS patient will struggle to stretch their current assignments to the extremes they currently enjoy. If you reduce their work but they continue to work the same hours, their image will suffer as it will be strange they are working the same hours with even less work. The afflicted will never willingly let their image suffer so they will be forced to reduce ass in chair hours to more reasonable levels.
b) They must not be productive if they are working so long. By commenting on their apparent lack of productivity these extremely image conscious people and they might actually snap back into a normal 40-50 hour work week almost immediately.
While research on this disease is still in its infancy, the symptoms are well known. If we all do our part to combat this illness, perhaps we can make a difference on the lives of our fellow co-workers and more importantly increase the availability of people for after work drinks.
I’m interested to hear your experiences with the infected and any other successful treatments to date. Thank you for taking the time to learn more about this serious problem.
Welcome! If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to our RSS feed or subscribe via email. Thanks for visiting!
Tags: Coworker, humor, Office Humor, Work
Subscriber in a reader
Add Pic
April 29th, 2008 at 6:46 am
Very entertaining post, Dan
Add Pic
April 29th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Ha ha ha! This is excellent!! Thanks!!
“When they protest that they have a normal workload, act surprised that it is taking them so long to accomplish their activities. This will further upset them as you are directly confronting them over their apparent lack of productivity.”
Absolutely right! I often ask people: “What EXACTLY are you doing for 60 hours??”!!
Add Pic
April 29th, 2008 at 9:11 am
I recommend people think about a standing desk. I believe in the “motion creates emotion” school of thinking. I know it might be hard in a cube farm, but I suggest getting a standing desk and either a high stool for the occasional sitting break, or a separate normal desk for sitting. Explain to your boss this will make you happier and more effective… plus prevent back/neck pain associated with back sitting at desk posture.