Don’t Take it Personal, it’s only business: being honest to others and yourself.
“Don’t take it personal, it’s only business.”
You hear that one before? Did you tell it to a co-worker once? Its been said a lot, I’ve read it in several books, heard it said in many movies. But is it true? Should you not take something personally, just because it’s “business.” I think to break down the question we need to look at the definition of “Personal” and “Business.”
Let’s take the easy one first. Business:
“The etymology of “business” relates to the state of being busy either as an individual or society as a whole, doing commercially viable and profitable work.”
Makes sense right? I don’t think any of us would debate that. By business they mean profitable activity. So how can we reword the prior statement with this new knowledge: Don’t take it personal it’s only commercially viable and profitable work. Yeah that doesn’t help. Let’s move on.
Personal. What does taking something “personal” mean? Not taking some personal is not taking a comment or stimuli as a reflection or attack on your Personal Identity:
“Refers to the essence of a self-conscious person, that which makes him or her uniquely what they are at any one point in time, and which further persists over time despite superficial modifications, making him or her same person at different points in time also.”
Let’s analyze. Your personal identity is you. It is the combination of all your characteristics and past combined into one person at a given time. It transcends your physical appearance, its your id, your ego, and your super ego. Pretty important to your life. Ask Freud.
So now we have a better idea what the statement means:
“You shouldn’t see this as a refection of your being because it is merely the result of wanting to make profit.”
Ok that is a little less vague. But my original question still remains. Should we take it personal? Is the statement true?
I suppose it now comes down to it. What is it? Are we talking about those ebay commercials? Is it a Stephen King movie about a clown? No, it is a stimuli to us. It is an event or comment that in someway relates to us. But does that “relation” go all they way down to our personal identity?
The first thing we need to determine is whether business is part of your personal identity. My argument is yes, but not for everyone. You have to choose to make business part of your identity. If you attack your job with passion and enthusiasm chances are you see your job, and your performance, as part of your personal identity.
Now that we have decided business can be part of your personal identity we need to see if a statement about business is personal. I break comments down into two categories. 1) Statements/Comments and 2) Choices/Events.
This first category is easy. If someone made a comment in which they felt they needed to tell you not to take it personal, it’s personal. For example, “You are not a good leader, don’t take it personally, it’s just business.” This is personal. The speaker is telling you, within your personal identity, there are no leadership traits, at least in this circumstance.
The 2nd category is a bit trickier. Example, “Don’t take it personal, but we are going with this other candidate over you, it’s only business.” This isn’t a direct assault on your personal identity like a direct statement, but is more broad. I.e. “Sure, I’m not saying you suck, but your not as good as this person” That’s personal.
So in the end, should you not take something personal just because “it’s business”? I think not. I think you should take it personal. If you love your job, have a passion for your job, your performance and reputation is a refection of your personal identity. But… There is always a but.
Just because it is personal, and it hurts, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. You may just have an inflated view of your personal identity. And two, everything is relative. There is a vast difference between “We’re not giving you the promotion” and “You’re a bad leader.” One is dependent on another variable out of your control, the other, is a direct assault on your personal identity.
My advice, don’t use the comment “don’t take it personal.” Just be honest, tell someone why, make it constructive, and realize that you may be taking a strike at their personal identity, even if it is necessary (which it is at times). For the receiver of the comment, take it personal. Take it as feedback, an area that needs improvement, and greater insight into your true personal identity.
Anyone feel different about this? I would love to hear your point of view. I encourage all of you to share with us examples of when you were told not to take something personal?
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Firstly, I feel that my job is very personal. I spend more time at work than doing anything else, and I enjoy it very much. That being said, I think when I’m told not to take it personally, it’s a great opportunity to internalize the feedback and make it personal. I think a more appropriate statement would be “Don’t take offense to this, it’s an opportunity to self-improve.” At least that is how I see it.
A scenario where I wouldn’t take it personally: Broad sweeping lay-offs… I.E. “You and 10 000 other people have been let go. Don’t take it personally.” I wouldn’t take offense to that. It really is just business.
I agree with Brandon. You just shouldn’t use the phrase “don’t take it personal”. You should have the necessary interpersonal skills and negotiating skills to never need to say this. And if someone says it to you, it just means they lack those skills – how can you take offense to a comment from someone of lesser skills? Rule number one: never be offended by a n00b.
Thanks for the post, Brandon. As a brand-new, one-person business, I have a hard time refraining from pouring my entire heart and soul into my job, and in the services I offer to folks. It may be uncomfortable, but I agree: it’s better to hear the constructive criticisms that continue making the same mistakes in ignorance.
@ Michel – Thanks for the comment. As for taking a broad layoff personally, i think that hints to my relative statement. Laying off 10,000 people may not be very personal, but it is slightly. It does at least mean you were in the first 10,000 to go. The only way I can see it not personal is if they went out of business and every employee was gone! But maybe I’m competitive and always want to be the best! Thanks again.
@ Dan – I never thought of it as good interpersonal skills but you have a good point. Good managers would know how to avoid saying things like that! Thanks!
@ Alison – A lot of us put our heart and our soul into our work. especially while we are young and may not have family’s of our own. Learning to take constructive criticism is one of the greatest skills you should learn from a young age. Thanks for the comment.
I think it’s somewhat true, just my own experience though.
When I first started my business, if the customers criticize my works, I feel as if they are attacking me myself. And I would defend “myself” with all I have, because it’s me. After losing lost of money and time, finally I met a customer who told me “don’t take it personal” before he started criticizing my work. And I think it opened my eyes. I now separate myself from my works, I know my work is part of “me”, but I know when they criticize my work they don’t mean to criticize me. It feels way better when you think of it that way, and it allows you to be open-mind to new ideas and suggestions.
Not agree though. There are circumstances your business is not totally controlled by you, although you may be the main responsible. When sometimes your business mess up, your business partners or clients may be complaining about how the work is not being finished the way they expected. BUT, they may still very much appreciate your hard work, your professionalism, and your enthusiasm. In this scenario, they may harshly criticize and try to push forward, but don’t take it personal, it is not about you, it is about the business. Yes, business is business, you can fight in business but still maintain good relationship afterward. Don’t take it personal, buddy.
I believe when it comes to disagreements with fellow employees, you really shouldn’t take it personal, depending on the disagreement. i.e. how best to do a job, if a certain employee does less work than the rest, certain employees showing up for work late or not showing up at all so other employees pick up the slack, I look at situations of conflict as an opportunity to say it is just business, so as to not let my personal feelings or emotions get involved. I promote a professional demeaner, yes, business is very personal, but it’s all how you look at it. To me, it’s my job, not my life. Do I take my job and reputation seriously? Yes, in so far as it affects me at work, not at home. Other employees slacking off? I don’t care, they’re making me look good. I’ll gladly pick up their slack and let them write their own professional eulogy, as for me, I’ll take the credit for doing their work. I think the statement ‘don’t take it personal, it’s business is true in that light. More to the point, ‘take it personal, keep it professional.’ That goes hand in hand with how you interact with co-workers and supervisors and vice versa. Is it ok for a supervisor to scream and yell? No, it isn’t, it’s too personal, unprofessional, and fosters a hostile work environment. It inhibits creativity and quality of work. Trust is misplaced or not given or returned. However, if a supervisor mentors, is critical of your work, pushes you hard, they are teaching you and helping you learn and succeeed. Lastly, friendships formed in the workplace should seperate that personal relationship with their professional relationship no matter how good of friends they are. They should be respectful of their friend’s professional goals. For example, if a friend is promoted and becomes the boss, a friend should expect no more or less from them at work than any other supervisor. Friends need to respect eachother at work but show no favor towards eachother to avoid a conflict of interest which ultimately hinders a person’s reputation and career goals.