Attention Airport Idiots
I travel for business. A lot. This year was one of the worst summers for air travel. About one third of all flights were delayed or were in some other way a disaster. I’ve sat on tarmacs for hours. I’ve watched the departure time creep forward in fifteen-minute increments for six hours only to see the flight finally be canceled. In six weeks, I’ve twice driven from Newark to Philly to crash at a friends place because my flight out of Newark was canceled. And don’t even get me started on O’Hare.
Some airports are better than others, but there is one constant across the country: people in security lines are idiots. I have to do something about this. Here is my public service announcement.
Attention Airport Idiots. If you don’t want my fist through the back of your skull, please do the following:
- Don’t wear a belt to the airport. Chances are good you’ll either forget to take it off and then set off the metal detector, or you’ll block traffic on the other side of the detector for 15 minutes as you put it back on. If you absolutely must wear a belt, look online for one that won’t set off the metal detector.
- Put everything other than your boarding pass in your carry-on bag. Then put this bag directly on the conveyor belt. Don’t waste a bin on it. Extra bins clog the process and make the poor TSA people run back and forth like idiots. Don’t put your keys, cell phone, watch, loose change, wallet, coin purse, and other random crap in a bin. If you do, you’ll clog the line for another 15 minutes.
- Take your shoes off. Yes, the rules apply to you too. Take them off and put them directly on the conveyor belt. Don’t waste a bin on them.
- Put all liquids in your checked luggage. Don’t even mess with them in the security line. You have proven time and again that you are too stupid to understand the 3-1-1 rule, so just give up.
- Check your luggage. Listen, there’s only so much room in those overhead bins. And you’re either part of the problem or part of the solution. I always check my luggage and it takes an average of 15 minutes for it to come off the conveyor belt. So instead of holding up the entire flight while you run up and down the packed aisle figuring out what to do with your bag - just check the damn thing. Even in this disastrous year of air travel, my luggage has been lost zero times.
- After you get through the metal detector, pull your stuff all the way to the end of the conveyor belt. All that extra table space is there for a reason; use it. If you follow my plan, all you’ll have to do is grab your one bag and your shoes and then clear the area. If you do have a giant pile of crap (as most of you will), then grab it and assemble it somewhere else. Your #1 priority should be getting out of the way. Yes, senior citizens, this applies to you too. You can make it ten steps without those orthopedic shoes. Just waddle over to the chairs with the wheelchair symbol and put your shoes on there.
If we all follow these simple steps, the lines will move twice as quickly. You better do it. I’ll be watching.
Welcome! If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to our RSS feed or subscribe via email. Thanks for visiting!
Tags: Minneapolis, Work
Subscriber in a reader
September 29th, 2007 at 6:03 am
I think a good add in for the shoes section.. purchase a pair of slip on dress shoes. They are even in style and it will make the airport security that much easier.
October 5th, 2007 at 8:25 am
[...] watch out for airport idiots. Did we miss something?? Give us your best tips in the comments section. Last 5 posts by BlakeHow [...]
January 28th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
[...] - While perfect for a day trip, this bag is not quite big enough for airport travel. You would have to carry both your purse and your laptop bag together which is okay, until you try [...]